My thoughts about the first GPA…

I thought I’d feel like this…

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But it actually played out more like this…

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I was blessed to pass my GPA-1, but I still had this cathartic release of emotion. I cried! I didn’t cry from happiness…I cried because I’ve finally hit this limit of being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of being tried and tested, critiqued, judged, and constantly readjusting my expectations to accommodate the burn-out. It SUCKS…it really does. I even got pissed for NOT being perfect. I know…that sounds ridiculous!! But hey, that is definitely how I felt. I couldn’t get passed my own disappointment in not meeting my OWN expectations for myself that it completely masked the true victory. And you know what, I know I wasn’t the only one who may have struggled with mixed emotions (once again). So I called my momma because quite frankly I didn’t know who else would understand the paradox of me not being happy in that moment. And this is what her words did for my soul…

I want to give a BIG SHOUT OUT to all the awesome, amazing MOMMAS!!! THANK YOU!!

That phone call gave me the encouragement and love that I needed to hear so I could move on and celebrate my achievement. She doesn’t completely understand what I’m going through, but to hear her express her admiration for me and the people who choose this path was beautiful! In the midst of taking all these tests, pulling 10-12hr days, and constantly feeling like you don’t know what you’re doing and you’re not good enough…it helps to know there are people who see you and appreciate the sacrifice you make to protect them and help heal them. THANK YOU!!! Your belief gives me the strength to do the things that most people wouldn’t want to do. And while my colleagues and I are in the thick of it now…our day is coming.

So congratulations to everyone who successfully made it through their first GPA and took that GIANT leap closer to becoming a practitioner!! You are amazing and I’m glad I can share this journey with you!

And for those who did not receive a passing grade this first time around, please don’t despair! YOU DID NOT FAIL! Think about how much you have learned this year to make it to this point. That in itself is a SUCCESS! My heart feels for you because I know you are beyond exhausted and the idea of repeating this damn thing can be very disheartening. I BELIEVE IN YOU!! Believe in yourself! You are more than GOOD and SMART enough, and you will make it through this hurdle. We didn’t all come this far for anyone to get let behind. I plan to see ALL of us cross that finish line and be the great doctors we are destined to become.

We chose are very difficult and challenging road. There will be road bumps and blocks along the way. Often times, we feel segregated like nobody truly understands how much we are hurting and struggling to make this dream happen. But it won’t always be like this. Cry, scream, kick, and yell…and know you are stronger for it!

Now, who wants a drink? Hey! Wine has antioxidants that are good for you!!!

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One thought on “My thoughts about the first GPA…

  1. Ray, your blog truly touched my heart and I’m very proud of you. Here’s to the “finish line” together! 🙂

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